Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
