my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
