they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
