but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
