But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
