Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
