True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
