Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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