It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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