Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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