I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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