When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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