We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
