Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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