The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
