I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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