I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize