I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
