Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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