Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
