I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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