I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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