There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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