i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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