walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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