i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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