***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
