I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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