it wasn't lemon gatorade
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
