How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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