Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
