Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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