glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
