4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
