when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
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You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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