i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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