the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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