i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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