I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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