I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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