i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
