Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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