I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
