I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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