Pappa wants mamma naked
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
