hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
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When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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