nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
