What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
