i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Randomize
