i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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