I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
