Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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