her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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