she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
