I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
