remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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