Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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