hotel room ftw
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
