I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
