anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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