I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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